Pathetic me

2004-11-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am alive. I am okay. more details to follow at some point, maybe, if I feel like it. =P

2004-10-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

You are Karen. You are just trying to help kids
find themeselves. "A linguist once said
that out of all the combinations of words in
the English language, "Cellar Door"
was the most beautiful."

Which Donnie Darko Character Are You?
brought to you by

2004-08-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. My week has gotten even worse. On top of stressing about living with my parents again, I also have tonsillitis. Fucking joy. I can't go back to work until Monday, and I have to move myself into my brother's disgusting bedroom. Fuck it! There's nothing I can do from this point. I just have to keep faith in knowing everything will work out in the end. God, I hope so.

2004-08-22T18:43:00.000-07:00

Okay,
unfortunately, it is now official, my life is falling apart.
My boyfriend is maybemoving to London next month to go to school.
I have no money, at all,
and I just told my roommate I'm moving out! I just can't afford it anymore. I really don't want to move back in with my parents, but I'm out of options. I need to save money, get out of debt, and actually take the chance to start an actual life.

As stated before, life is shit, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Also, I'm terrified of something else that mate have happened, and if so, well, I'm not going to think about it right now.

So, that's what's happening in my world right now. Laugh it up, I may not be here much longer.

2004-08-07T22:27:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday John!!! Happy Birthday John!!!!!! Now you are 25!!! Woohoo!!!!

2004-07-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

Life is SHIT, and I don't want to do it anymore!!!!!!!!

2004-06-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist trying this when I saw it in John's sight.
(so wrong. it looks like a nun)

What Does your Personal Dildo look like by Angel_deKay
Your Name
Your Age
Fav Color
Soft or Hard?
BRa size
Shoe size
You use it and say	heheh Sticky
What it looks like

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

2004-06-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

Intersting, very, intersting.

Which HP Kid Are You?

2004-06-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite bands, Lifehouse, does this amazing song called "Am I ever gonna find out" This has become my theme song the past couple of weeks. Especially with what my current mind set is. (see last entry) The lyrics that are affecting are, "In between this, am I gonna find a way, to defeat this, living inside yesterday. I'm alive, I think it's time to live like I am. Am I ever gonna find it? Am I ever gonna find out?" This just really pertains to my temperament right now. I have been listening to this song over and over in my car. It kind of helps. I want to be alive, not just live.

2004-06-13T20:00:00.000-07:00

BUGGER LUGGER FIBBLE SNILT, don't ask, I'm weird.

2004-06-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am not in a good place right now. I haven't been here for quite a while now, and I really don't like being in this place, but it is quite difficult to get out of it.

No, it is not because Christopher is in England until the 12, and it's not anything I can really figure out, I'm just plain depressed. Granted, I'm always depressed in one way or another, maybe I am just PMSing, I don't know. I don't know how to be happy, I don't know what it will take for me to be happy. I don't know what I want, and if I don't know what it is, how exactly am I supposed to find it.

My major question; "Is this all life is?" There has got to be something more. Seriously, am I destined to be in a crappy dead end job that doesn't provide me with anything, for the rest of my life?

There has to be more to it. There just has to. Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking about suicide again, I haven't been that far down since High School. I want to live, I want to be fulfilled, I just don't know how.
I hate this, I hate being here. I don't know what I need, I don't know how to go forward.

I feel so entirely stuck!! I'm trapped and I can't find the way out.

What is it? What am I supposed to do with me? Supposedly, God has a set plan for us all, a place we're destined be, but I don't think I am anywhere near that.

I want more!!! There has to be something fulfilling out there. Something that makes me feel alive, but I can't find it. I don't know what it's like to feel alive.

I'm tired of going through the motions. I want...I want...I want to feel something, anything, besides the constant sadness that is always upon me.

Is there more? If there is, someone please tell me how to find it.

What is it? Is it marriage? Is it children? I don't know if I want either of those. I fear being alone, but I don't want to be more trapped than I already am.

God, please, help me find it.

2004-05-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

Eh, figures....

Goof Off - Your ideal guy is the silly and wacky
goof off. He's simply adorable in everything he
does, wether it be cheesy pranks, stupid jokes,
or just smiling. He holds an innocent and naive
outlook on life.
Turn ons: He's always upbeat so you'll never have
to pick up the broken pieces of his heart.
Turn offs: He doesn't know when to turn OFF the
funny and can embarrass you or not understand
when you need to seriously talk.

What is your ideal type of guy? (With Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-05-25T17:56:00.000-07:00

Peculiar...

borderline

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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2004-05-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

oaky doky dukie!

Well your a mix of everything, or your really
horny, and yeah thats just not cool man not
cool lol. So if (A) Good for you, and if (B)
Have a chat with a guy who got Anger.

What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-05-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just had to do this one, and the outcome is nifty, 'cause this was my favorite show on SNICK.

You are ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Though you may
not have peed your pants, you sure as hell feel
like you are going to sometimes. Are you a
pussy? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-05-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

huh, go figure!

Griffin:
Griffins are gorgeous creatures with the head of an
eagle and the body of a lion. You are smart
and can think on your feet. You also can be a
bit of an airhead and may be called a ditz by
others. You are not dtupid, but in fact, very
intelligent. You are also eager to help others
and are usually docile and submissive. But if
someone offends you you do bite back.

What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-05-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, first off, I really don't like the way Blogger has changed things around. This is annoying. I would rather see it all. It's kind of ugly, too.

Now, last night was hell. Admittedly, I got angry when a read a certain person's journal, so I vented my anger. I'm not sorry I did, I just wish I had remebered to sign it.

Christopher really opened up to me last night. He was upset about the drama between me and Eric, and he really didn't like seeing me cry. I never knew how much he had gone through in his life. I would have never been able to survive through all that he has dealt with. All in all, it made him the person he is today, and he's a stronger person than I will ever be.

He also confronted Eric last night. Eric and I talked earlier that night. I thought everything was okay, but Christopher was still bothered. He actually sat in front of the door, and basically forced Eric to talk to him. I wasn't listening, but I do believe that the two of them got some of there issues resolved, which I am very grateful for.

After everything that happened last night, some bridges are mended, others destroyed, never to be rebuilt. Sometimes all you can do is let go.

I do want to thank Christopher, for opening up to me, and helping me through this, and wiping my tears off my cheeks. I want to thank Nick as well, for being a good friend, and looking out for me, and sticking up for me. Also, Eric, thank you for caring about me, and being my friend, and thank you for listening, and I'm glad we are okay, at least I think we are. Last but not least, John, thank you, for always being the open ear, and the neutral party. You have always been my shoulder to cry on, and I am extremely grateful for that. Just one more, Courtney, you are a goddess, and thank you for bringing certain things to light, that I didn't realize before. You kick ass.

I didn't go to work today, because we were up until 4:30 this morning. I don't know about anyone else, but I can not survive work on only 3 hours of sleep. Especially with handling money. I would have made way to many mistakes today. I do feel like the weight of the world has been removed my sloping shoulders. I feel pretty damn good today. I really hope everyone else does too.

2004-05-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

fucking kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-05-04T17:52:00.000-07:00

Tangent!!!

I should have started to write this yesterday, because I was a bit livid. Today, I am in a much better mood, but ah well.

Fuck it, I don't want to think about this write now. Yes, once again I am avoiding what I don't want to deal with, which is how I deal with things, but I am going to be stubborn right now, and deal with it all at a later point. GRRR! I'm happy, isn't that what matters?

Side note, Disneyland was fun, but hot and really really crowded. Our hotel room was such a garbage whole, eh, you learn from your mistakes. It was fantastic to see my best friend John. It was fun though. The drive, absolutely horrendous, but we survived.

John, I'm glad you've moved into your knew pace, and I am so glad you're happy.

Smiles!!!!!

2004-04-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am off to Disneyland, and John!!! Bye bye!!!!

2004-03-31T18:06:00.000-08:00

I have had a new boyfriend for 2 weeks now, and I am really happy. I don't know how to handle this. I am always depressed or upset about something. I'm not upset about anything, I don't know what to do with myself. My "emotional disaster" status is at stake. jk I am freaking out a bit, because I am not used to being happy. He is so sweet, He is always telling me I'm pretty (which I think is weird) He is Fantastic in bed!!! =P (Tehe) I can't stop smiling, and I feel freaking great.

I just wish that there was no...nevermind.

Okay, this is overly funny.

At the bank today, Billy said "Miss Crystal," and I replied with, "Mr. Billy," (I thought it was funny) the teller girl asked me how my date had gone. I blushed and she inquired as to if he was now my boyfriend. I confirmed, and she turns to Billy and says, "She's got a new boyfriend." Billy asked how many that made, answer, 1!! Then he made a comment about "Guess I'm not on her list anymore" I just think it is really funny. Billy is jealous. I tried, and tried, and tried. I gave up, it's been four months!!! Besides, I kind of like Christopher better.

2004-03-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

I am so happy as of late. I keep catching myself giggling, and smiling, and just plain being happy. This is a bit of a foreign concept for me.
Alas, this is a mere teaser. Details to soon follow.

2004-02-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

La la la...la la la...la la la. I have know idea why I just wrote that, but I did, so there.

Well, the guy I have been talking to online finally called me Tuesday night. It was really nice talking to him. A little to nice. I was on the phone with him for nearly 5 hours. I didn't go to bed until 1:30 in the morning. Yeah, I know, me of all people staying up that late, on a work night. It's completely unheard of!! But, the lack of sleep was totally worth it. I enjoyed talking to him a lot. He really makes me laugh, and he isn't afraid to blunt, I guess. And I think that is kind of cool. Who knows. I guess I will just wait and see. And, he's really funny. I know I giggle at everything because it's my defense mechanism, but still, he's got some great stories.

2004-02-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

It is another week That dreaded Valentine's Day is gone, so only another year to worry about being alone. Nick and Eric were absolutely adorable. Eric went all out, and got Nick this Giant Gorilla that matched his hair. Can I get an "aaahhh" It was really cute, and Nick was very surprised. It was an interesting day. We tried Greek food, it was different. Then we went dancing in San Francisco. John got hit on by this creepy little guy in a pink blouse. Apparently Melissa and I makre John look straight. Sorry John. Dancing was okay, except for the fact that I was really tired. I tried to slice off the tip of my thumb Friday night, and then proceeded to drink to much. I didn't sleep that well that night. Hence the major tiredness the next day, and no I was not hung over.

So, the rest of the weekend was quite boring, I did absolutely nothing on Sunday, and on Monday, Nick actually got me to go to Ikea with him. I know, that was a major feat on his part, but we do have a coffee table now. Yay!!! I have somewhere to put my drink now, and not throw it across the floor when I drink to much wine. Tehe.

So, on to today. I went to the bank, as per usual. I did the deposit, and actually stopped to talk to Billy for a bit. He asked me what I did for V-day, and I told him. Then I asked what he did. His response, "nothing" he was at home by himself. Aah. How sad. He proceeded to tell me that it has been a year of firsts for him. He spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, V-day, all alone. So I told him to hang out with me more often. He replied with, "That's not a bad idea" Yeah right.

Oh, and the guy I have been talking to online is back in the bay area, and going to call me in ther future. Who knows.

So, that's what's been going on. My thumb is throbbing like crazy, and I have laundry to do.

2004-02-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

Woohoo!!!! Oh yeah!!! It's a good day. I feel great!! This is a very rare thing, so, soak it up while you can.

Okay, first off, I gave my phone number to the guy on match that I have been e-mailing for the past few weeks. He is in LA right now, but he is going to call me when he gets back. Who knows, I could get a new friend.

Third, I GOT A RAISE TODAY!!!!! Yay!!! So now I am making a dollar more an hour. It'll help.

Fourth, I bought a new phone, and hopefully, it won't suck as much as the last one.

Fifth, I am currently not in school. I am taking a leave of absence until April 5. I need some me time. I'm totally burning out, and hopefully this will help.

So, yeah. That's my day today. And, with Orlando smiling at me below, I feel freaking fantastic!!!!! I just wish I had someone to share it with. My roommate is working, and the rest of them are in school. Ah well. We will all celebrate later.

2004-02-10T18:55:00.000-08:00

To quote Eric, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

You are going to Marry orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anything
cheesy look really hot(like sliding down stairs
on a shield shooting arrows or wearing pointy
ears for example). Congrats!!

Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (now 12 (i just added more, and still more to come!)results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh that is almost to perfect!!!! Life is good right now!!

2004-02-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

bark

2004-02-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

Ewww, that is kind of disturbing. "You light up my Life" by Debbie Boone was the number one song the day I was born. I hate that song. No wonder I am so messed up in the head!

Eric, yours was, "To much Heaven" by the Bee Gees. Haha laugh at you!

John, yours was, "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer. I don't know what to say about that one.

Nick, yours was, "Escape" (the Pina Coloda song) by Rupert Holmes. That's kind of odd.

Melissa, yours was, "Heartache tonight" by the Eagles. hmm...

Brian, yours was, "Time in a bottle" by Tim Croce. That's a really sad one.

If any of this is wrong, I'm sorry, but I thought it was funny.

2004-02-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

Dream

My group of friends and I were going out to dinner. We couldn't decide on a place to go. (The norm for this group) Then we all get into the car. I still have no idea where we are going. Nick is driving and it is me, his brother Tony, and some weird girl that I have never met before. On the drive, Nick tells me we are going to Olive Garden. He wasn't to happy about that. The girl was kind of Cuddling up to Tony, and I was getting irritated by this. Then we are at our destination and get out of the car, obviously. We start to walk through the buildings, and the rest of them walk away, towards another place. Nick tells me we are actually going for Chinese food, they are going to Olive Garden. Tony is walking a little in front of us, and I catch up to him to talk while Nick holds back. Then for some reason, the girl comes up and takes the attention, and I am really disappointed that I didn't get my chance to talk to him. (This is where the dream changes) For some reason, I get separated from the Nick and Tony, and I have no way to get home. So I find this weird people transporter thing. It's basically a bubble with seats in it. I get in and put on my seat belt, and there is this adorable blonde family in there to. Well, the bubble thing suddenly shoots up into the air, and we are flying over the buildings. (I think this all took place in Walnut Creek, but totally dream distorted, of course) then we start to plummet into the ocean, but right before we touch the water, the bubble changes direction and suddenly we are at Mount Rushmore, and Washington grabs the bubble and throws it, then we start to fly through more odd surroundings, stars, and colors. That is all I can remember.

Yes, I know I have a very peculiar subconscious.

Okay, now into my experience at the bank today. I walked into the bank, and Billy was on the phone, but he waved at me, and said something, but I couldn't here him. So, I did my deposit, and walked over to his desk. He motioned for me to sit down, so I did, of course, and waited for him to get off the phone. I did giggle at the jokes he was making on the phone. Then, we talked for a little bit, and I inquired as to when he was going to hang out with me again. (He did offer me a piece of chocolate, I declined though) He said, "I don't know, what are you cooking?" I replied with "What do you want?" Cheezy, I know. I asked about his weekend plans, and said I would give him a call on Saturday and see what he is up to. He did ask why I never call him, and Inside, my mind yelled, "WHAT!!!!" Maybe some miscommunication has occurred. (Wishful thinking, I know) But, hey, I have tried again, and maybe Billy will become a friend. We'll see what happens.

2004-01-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm in a really bad mind set right now, and I don't think it's simply because I'm on the rag. For some reason I have been going over a lot of personal issues today. We know that I do not really like myself very much. Which, is probably one of the main reasons that I am alone. But, that is somewhat beside the point I am trying to express here.

I have been really depressed for several days now. My little friend is not helping matters. Sometimes I really hate being a girl. I think things would be easier if I was a guy. Hell, maybe I would have more of a chance getting a date if I was.

Okay, back to self-loathing. I don't like the way I look. Admittedly, my self-esteem is reaching negative numbers today. I hate my body. I saw myself in the mirror, and almost started to cry today. I am large, that's not bad, the real problem is the fact that I am not doing anything about it. I have no ambition to exercise. I am barely under 200 pounds. I have gained nearly 50 pounds since high school. I really don't eat that much, but what I do eat is bad,I know this. If on the rare occasion I do exercise, I stop as soon as it starts to hurt, which is usually within the first 2 minutes. I don't understand why I am so lazy when it comes to this.

I have almost no faith in myself and I think that is part of the problem. I have never really been reassured for anything I do. (I know I am just feeling sorry for myself, but I need to vent, so deal) I feel that I will fail no matter what. This is the mentality that I grew up with. I hate that, and I don't know how to change that. I can't bring myself to sit down and do my homework. I don't know what it is, I just can't. Granted, History isn't my favorite subject, but I should at least try, right? Then why do I keep avoiding it? Because I am setting myself up to fail.

My loneliness is driving me batty, and my crush on Nick's brother so does not help matters. I keep developing crushes on guys that I know I will never have a chance with. Mostly on the part that I am so fucking shy. I won't do anything about it. I talk about it. Obsess about it/them, and slowly let it filter out of my mind. I put it off for so long, that it finally goes away. Why am I like this? Why do I hate me so much? Why can't I just be happy? (Why do I keep thinking about him?) I don't want to be alone anymore. Yes, I have fantastic, wonderful friends, but friends don't really fulfill this part. UGH!!!!!!!!!

That's all I want. I just want to be happy. It's almost like I won't let myself get there. I don't need a man to be happy, I just don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want to be angry anymore. I let everything sit there and boil, then an extreme explosion happens, and that's what you are reading now. This is my explosion complete self hatred. Fun, huh?

I hate my emotions. They are so drastic. Yes, I may do my best in a chaotic situation, but when those things happen, I try not to show emotions. I'm always sad, or faking happy, or really really angry. I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to cry into my pillow at night anymore.

Ugh, so there is my rant. I didn't write this to get sympathy, I just wanted to vent. It actually really didn't help.

Oh yeah, one more thing. LIFE SUCKS!!!!!

2004-01-23T18:19:00.000-08:00

John, no wonder we get along so well.

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
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2004-01-23T18:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, I did John's quizzes too!

Wow, you're a black bird. Blackbirds hold the
gateway between the natural and spiritual
worlds, ever urging us to become more
self-aware. Your melodious song calls to the
twilight and will keep you safe during
difficult changes.

What druid animal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-01-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

Alright, alright! I'll update.

This past week has been a little bit of a traumatic one. On the 9th, I sent an e-mail to someone, and because I stood up for myself (for once) an 18 year friendship is over. Yes, it's makes me sad, but it needed to be said, and I do not regret doing it.

Then on Monday, I received a phone call from my Mother. She asked me if was sitting down. My first thought was, oh shit! One of the pets died. I didn't expect her to tell me that my Great Grandfather had died that morning. I tried really hard to keep myself together at work, but when one of the nurses asked me what was wrong, I completely broke down again. So, my boss sent me home. I went over to my parents house for a little while, and after about 2 hours, I just couldn't sit around anymore. So, I came home and completely organized my room. From 2:30 until about 11:00, I pretty much didn't sit down. I didn't want to think, because, of course, thinking equals crying. It's actually kind of hard to be writing about it. All I kept thinking about was strawberry ice cream cones. You see, when I was in the second grade, I would walk over to his house after school, and he would watch me until my parents picked me up. Almost everyday he would take me out for a strawberry ice cream cone. So, on Friday, I left work at noon, and bought some strawberry ice cream and some cones, and basically toasted Grandpa Dick. Goodbye Grandpa! I'll miss you.

Now, onto a less somber topic. My roommate is evil!!! As most of you know, I have a mad crush on Nick's brother, and it keeps getting worse. I have had several dreams about him, and for some reason, they all involve my bed in some way. GRRRR! (sigh) Last Sunday, I went with Nick to try and find a couch. We eventually ended up at his Mom's and Nick proceeded to make fun of my crush. Like I said, EVIL! He blatantly told his brother that he would "always have a place to sleep" if he came down to visit. Meaning, my bed. Then, he tried and tried and tried to get Tony (his brother) to go with us, as he continued to not so timidly hint about my crush. Tony was set against going. Then we headed to the restaurant, and I said I could make a resume for Tony. So Nick called him and told him so. Then Tony had suddenly changed his mind about going, and met us there. Dinner was interesting. Nick's mother decided to ask a bunch of awkward questions, and we all became a bit uncomfortable. Then we were done, and said our goodbyes. Here is where evil Nick re-enters the picture. Tony gets in his truck, and Nick says, "What, No hug?" Tony questioned this, and Nick replied with, "Crystal gets one too" I swear, my face was so red it completely lit up the parking lot. Then on the way home, I asked what Tony's astrological sign is. So, Nick calls him and asks! Tells him, "We were talking about you, and just wondering" (Sheesh)

Throughout the week, Nick and I teased each other about it. On Wednesday, I sent Nick a text message that read, "I can't hold back any longer, I want your brother. Just kidding, how are you?" Well, he didn't get the message. When I tried to call him on my lunch, some old lady answered his phone. The conversation went like this;
"Nick?"
"Who?"
"Nick?"
"Who?"
"I'm trying to reach Nick" (by this time I was freaking out, Was Nick okay, why was some other person answering his phone)
"Nick who?"
"Nick Pendergrass"
"Oh, he's not hear right now, can I take a message?"
"Ummm...Would you tell him that Crystal called?"
"Crystal? What's your number?"
"Uh...He has the number, this is his roommate."
"Oh, you're his roommate. Okay, I'll tell him you called"
Now, I was really freaking out. I called Eric and asked if Nick was okay. He said "yeah, why?" Then I explained what had just happened. Eric proceeded to bust up laughing. I was quite confused. Then Eric, in between bursts of laughter, told me that Nick fiddled with my phone and reprogrammed his number to be his families number, in the hopes that his brother would pick up. Yeah, it was pretty damn funny.

Then on Saturday, he calls Eric and says Tony is coming down, but not to tell me, "cause he wanted to see the look of shock on my face." Grrrr, again. So, yesterday was kind of weird, Nick kept hinting, and I kept blushing, and avoiding eye contact. Then Tony and I sat at the computer and I made him a resume, even gave him a couple of pointers. Then I cooked dinner for everyone, and made Tony watch Donnie Darko. I know, bad on my part. So, as you can see, my roommate isn't really evil, he just likes to watch me blush! I just need to stop thinking / dreaming about his brother. Double GRRRRR!

2004-01-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm updating again. Second time this week. Just for you John. Kidding.

Well, let's see. I had a peculiar dream about my roommate's brother, he didn't have anywhere to sleep, so he crawled into my bed. It's big enough (the bed, the bed, you sick people!) =P That was all the dream was. Sorry to disappoint you. Wait, no I'm not. Disappointing people is fun. Fester, be disappointed. Ha ha ha. Sorry, little tangent there. Only kidding.

I'm really restless today. There is a situation going on that I don't want to deal with, but I know I have to. Grrr. I am so tired of being lonely. And, this situation isn't helping me, because I am so confused!!!! I need to talk about it with someone, but I can't. Scheduling conflicts, possibly, or no one wants to hear it. Either or, I am basically screwed. No I'm not, and that is the problem in itself. Ugh! Eric, I know your solution to this is to tell me to masturbate, but I don't want to. Granted I have major pent up sexual frustration, but still. That is not the point. It's been 18 months since I last had sex. Someone, please help me. Wait, I do have standards, I think. Okay, now that I have made a complete fool of myself, I will leave you with this thought...I like boys!!!!

2004-01-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

Happy Happy Joy Joy! Thanks to my wonderful friend Nick (and Eric's BF) I got to move out of my Parents house!!!! So unbelievably grateful to him. There's one of my resolutions to check off.

Let's see, nothing else has really happened, except for some drama, but that's the norm around here. School starts again tomorrow. At least I'll get to see one cute guy.

Part of the drama (mainly only on my part) I have a small crush on Nick's brother. Creepy I know, crushing on my roommate's brother, who (roommate) happens to be dating one of my best friends. Can we say soap operas much? Ah well. I think we terrified him a little to much anyway. As for the other drama, I don't know how to deal with it, so I'm avoiding the situation. Bad I know. Bite me. Kidding only kidding.

So far this year is okay

2003-12-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

Are you all happy now? I'm finally updating.

well, let's see, since my last entry, pretty much nothing has happened. I didn't get what I really wanted for Christmas, but ah well. That just means that I am destined for something even better. Hey, bare with me, I'm trying to be upbeat.

The thing with my bank guy ant gonna happen. I do think I scared him off, but that just means he couldn't handle all the wonderful stuff that is me. (Yeah, we know I don't believe that, but it was funny) I tried several times, even asked him out, twice! His loss.

For Christmas, I basically got "MOVE OUT" from my parents. Granted, I really did need all this stuff, but still. My Mother got me pots, and bake wear, and tupper ware, and large utensils. Okay, okay, I get the point. Nick and I are working on it.

A group of us went dancing on Friday night, the 26th. John even succeeded in getting me to dance. I hate how good he is at bringing me out of my shell. Actually, that's not true, I m very grateful for that. Eric is starting to get good at that as well. Nick even dance a bit. It was a lot of fun.

All in all, it has definitely been an interesting week.

Keep in mind, I am going to attempt this, and I know, I'm gonna have all my hopes dashed, but can't at least one person have some faith in me.

New Year Resolutions:
1. Be less inhibited.
2. Get a better paying job (screw them at the clinic)
3. Start to stand up for myself.
4. Be healthier (I'm with you Eric)
5. Move out of parents house (please God)
6. Have faith in myself.
7. Stick through school.
8. Save for trip with Melissa.
9. Feel better about me.
10. Laser eye surgery.

Just a couple of goals that I needed to actually list. And, whatever the snippy remarks may be, wait until I have actually given up to say them, please.

You know, I really miss writing to my guy in London. His name is Rich, and we had a lot of fun e-mailing back and forth to each other. I haven't heard from him in a while. I really hope he's doing well. Happy New Year, Rich.

Yeah, we know I have issues, but that's part of who I am, so nanny nannt boo boo! I know, real mature. Frigg it!

2003-12-13T13:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, something has happened, not bad, quite good mind you, but I'm freaking out yet again. It's a normal thing.

My "Bank Guy" approached me yesterday when I went in the bank to do the deposits for work. He walks up to me, tells me I look nice, and asks for my number. I know I was blushing like crazy, but I gave it to him, of course. Then as I was leaving he asked me for the third time if I had any plans for this weekend, complimented my hair, and said he'd call. Well, he did, while he was walking home from work. Yes, he has a car, yes he drives. He only lives 2 blocks from the bank. Well, we talked for a little bit, and I found out that he used to live in this area, so he pretty much knows where I am. He grew up in Indiana, and came out to be with his now ex-fiance. Yeah, I didn't question that. Not that he seemed to upset about it, it just wasn't something I wanted to pursue. I invited him to possibly join me a little later, and he said to call him.

Later, I had to get out of the house. Parents and ewwwwww, enough said. I was driving aimlessly, and called him. We talked on the phone for about another half an hour, and since I was near his place, we decided to go get something to eat. He has a total guy place. Very sparse, but clean, I was kind of surprised. I mean he is a guy. We ended up getting a burger at In and Out, and going back to his place to eat. And, NO! Nothing happened. We watched a little bit of TV, talked, then I left. He was going over to a friends house to play football on the PS2. Shutup, I heard that!!

okay, here is where my issues come in. MY friends, I love you, but why do you have to pick everything apart. I was feeling really good, and when I told all of you what had gone on, you destroyed my hopes. Wait, that is kind of harsh. I just feel like I may have messed up. Maybe I came off as to ditsy, or to weird, or to quiet, and his interest has totally left. Yes, I know that these are personal issues with myself, but it's what is bothering me. I really suck. I just keep really hoping he calls, and know, I'm not waiting by the phone. I just don't want to have scared him off already. I really want to get to know him. He did give me a hug when I left. Grrrr!!!!!! I didn't sleep very well, because my mind kept thinking. Please, please, don't let me have scared him away so soon.

2003-12-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

John, I have to stop reading your journal. Whenever you put up these things, it makes me curious, and then I have to do it. Damn my lemmingness!!!

(side note) Still haven't done anything about my bank guy. Too, chicken shit and not liking it. Damn my shyness!

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-08T20:58:00.000-08:00

"sometimes the love relationships occur between two people born on the same day (but not necessarily the same year). When this occurs the love potion seems more potent. In astrological terms, marrying someone born on the same day is like matching up parts of your own cosmic genetic coding! It certainly guarantees that these 'same day' couples will experience an intense relationship, but also indicates they have the potential to burn each other out --- because of the intensity of the astro-connection between them. In some cases, they will be able to tune into each other's private and intimate thoughts. So, while this uniqueness can be wonderful, it can sometimes become exhausting as well. Here are some 'same day birthday' celebrity couples. "

I got this off an astrological site. It helped me to feel a little bit better. Or am I being to wired?

2003-12-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, get a load of this one. As you can tell, I've been talking about my "Bank Guy" incessantly. Well, today I got the chance to have an actual conversation with him. We flirted and stuff, and he is not married, no ring, or line, and no, he is not gay.

However, his birthday was FRIDAY, too. Now, yes, that is quite funny. I get it, stop laughing at me! He is 31, and, yeah, I am bashing my head against the wall. Could you please tell me what that means, if it means anything. John and Melissa say, "it means, date him." You know, they might be right. ummm...I was freaking out just a little. He high-fived me for having the same B-day. And, He, he kind of, sort of hinted about me being attached. He asked what I did for my B-day, and I said, "We just went out to dinner." He replies with, "Who's we?" So, i do think that was a way of finding out, maybe, possibly. Yeah, I'm real confident, can't you tell?

I called Eric, and all he could do was laugh. I feel so loved. John, says, "do him" as well as Melissa. Nick, he laughed, too. So, I'm very much confused, but I would still like to get to know this guy. Hell, why am I freaking out about having the same Birthday anyway? Big deal.

Mitha feels it's a blinking neon light that reads, "Go for it" Yes, I would still like to. So, there is my issue of the day. I think I'll go back into the straight jacket now!! =P

2003-12-07T19:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, let's see. My Birthday was basically a bit of a disaster, but that's okay. Work sucked on Friday, and when I went to the bank, my bank guy was busy, but he did wave at me from the back of the room. (I am so pathetic, a wave makes me smile, sheesh)

My brother took me out to dinner at Chevy's. Oh great, I'm not a big Mexican food fan, but it was still really sweet of him. My Mother gave me the purse I had asked for, a Barbie (from Avon, she does it every year) and a little Barbie gift box thing, and a compact Bible to keep in my car. (she actually bought the right translation this time, I was so proud of her) Oh, and yet another pair of tacky socks. My Mother is so wired, my brother, he got me a new make-up case. My old one kind of broke into several pieces. My friend Nick completely shocked me. He gave me "Nightmare Before Christmas" day of the week underwear. I'm still laughing about it. He said that I needed colorful undies to match my colorful socks. He he. He's funny.

I went out with Nick and Melissa to the Elephant bar for a drink, had a great Mai Tai, and then I went out with Nick and Eric, so Eric could eat. I went restaurant hopping.

Saturday, I got up and went to my study team meeting for school, and two of them didn't show up, so I went to Old Navy, and found myself a decent pair of dress pants. From there, I went with Janet to the Great Mall, so that she could find a dress for her Holiday party next week. We found one that looks really good on her, and she is going to look fantastic. I asked if she wanted to borrow my tiara, but she declined. Rightfully so.

Well, we went to dinner Saturday night for my B-day, anddrama insued. I wanted to go to Macnamara's, but they wouldn't answer their phone all day, and I couldn't make a reservation, so, we didn't get in. Then after debating it for 10 minutes, we finally decided to go to Hungry Hunter. Eric couldn't wait to comment on the fact that I was wearing a Bustier, and that I basically had a shelf under my throat. Well, if you got it, flaunt it, and boy do I have a lot of it. Yes, to quote Brian, I am always boob-tatsic. Joy! I'm real thrilled about it, can't you tell? sheesh.

Well, that's by Birthday...Whatever, wasn't the worst, but it was still fun. At least I had my friends around to celebrate with me, and that's all that really mattered to me. I just widh John would have been here. It's just doesn't feel right without him. All well. I'll see him in a couple of weeks.

Wow, I'm really cheesy. Eh.

2003-12-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spainards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
overload.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

Now that's funny! "a touch naive" ? I think that's an under-statement

2003-12-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

YOU'RE CHERRY GARCIA!">

Huh, that's kind of odd.
I've never had this flavor, but it looks like I'm Cherries and Chocolate. kinky!

2003-12-01T19:23:00.000-08:00

I am going to be 26 on Friday. I have nothing to show for it. Granted I have the best friends anyone could have. I really do love you guys, and I can't imagine my life without you. I just feel trapped. I feel as if I'm not allowed to expand or grow in life. It's not just family and work that's causing this, it's mostly me. I hold myself back, simply because I'm scared. What am I scared of? Honestly, I can't think of a single thing. Nothing logical, that is. I can't speak up in certain situations for fear of angering someone else, or looking the complete idiot. I close myself off, and I become hostile, but it's a self defense mechanism. I have never really thought about it before. I avoid confrontation because I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to hurt me. I avoid the problem, and hope and wish it will fix itself. It never does. It just gets worse. I am so emotionally unbalanced, I can't bring myself to deal with it. I just complain, and let it go. But it builds and builds and finally explodes. I don't want to have another explosion.

I need to discover who I really am, but I won't. I am honestly afraid of this. God! I'm afraid of everything. I don't know why I'm afraid. There is absolutely no reason to be scared of pursuing life. I just prevent myself from doing anything about it. This is not a cry for help, or anything like that, I'm just thinking through words, and coming to certain realizations that I have never contemplated before. I am not searching for advice, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm just venting, so that I won't explode.

What holds me back, besides fear? My lack of confidence in myself, my lack of courage, my lack of being me. I need to get out from under the weight of my parents. I need to continue to look for a better job, and I need to have some faith in me. Easier said than done. Especially for me, but at least I have finally discovered these problems, and can maybe do something about it. Okay, I know that's not to reassuring, but it's still a start. Right?

I have been semi-flirting with this guy at the bank my work goes through. We had one conversation a few months ago about school, and both wanting to pursue a teaching career. He gave me his card, and since then we have smiled and made an effort to acknowledge each other whenever I go into the bank. I know I am probably looking way to far into this, but this situation has me completely absorbed in it. I find myself begging my boss to let me go to the bank to do the deposit. Today, I went in there and he was with a customer, when I finished with the teller and walked by his desk, he said hi. I said hi back. He didn't have a customer with him at that point. I should have said something more. I am so kicking myself for not saying anything else. Did I loose my chance? Did the moment pass me by? I really dislike me sometimes. Seriously, is there a course offered anywhere in self-confidence?

Since sitting down and writing this I have cried twice, and sighed way to much. I am going to have a fantastic birthday, and hopefully someone will give me the DVD of Pirates of the Caribbean. Hint, hint!!! jk Maybe, just maybe I can soak up some courage and ask my bank guy to hang out with me at some point. Here's hoping!

One more thing! My best friend Janet, whom I love with all my heart has become a lemming as well!!
Woohoo!!! Now we can all be pathetic together!!! She has her own live journal now! www.kittysmack.blogspot.com And, don't worry Janet, We're ganna make you look fabulous for your party!!!

2003-11-17T19:59:00.000-08:00

I have an epiphany!!!! Because I'm from Bulgaria!!!! Ha ha ha. For those of you (if anyone reads this) who don't get that, "Sucks for you!" Kidding, only kidding.

Woohoo. I got to see my John. Made me very happy. He's my best friend! I also came to the realization that John, Melissa and I have known each other for 10 years. Wah!!!! We're old!! And I'm the oldest of the three of us!! (As I cry) I'm working on an experiment. A stop-time machine. That way, I won't turn 26 in two weeks. Nope, not gonna happen. Seriously, I'm not delusional, I'm just not ready to pursue my late 20's yet. I've got to much playing to do. No, I'm not really building a machine. Sheesh, you'd think I was smart or something. Kidding, again. Obviously.

So, Nick and Eric need to be shot. My music taste varies depending on my mood, but I'm more of rock/alternative person. You all know my Smashing Pumpkins obsession. Those two have helped in my actual liking of Clay Aiken. Granted, the boy is absolutely adorable, but not my typical type of music. It's so not really their fault, I just needed to blame someone. Love you two.

oh, the American Music Awards, were really bad. We became so disgusted, we couldn't watch the end of it, We watched "Charlies Angels: Full Throttle" instead. A definite improvement.

2003-11-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, let's see. First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!!! One of my best friends turns a whopping 24 years old on Tuesday November 11. Woohoo!!!! We had a great time celebrating with her on Saturday night at the Rain Forest Cafe in San Francisco. Very good place to eat. Their drinks, oh so good. I totally played the lush on Saturday by being the only one to order two drinks. But, it was really good. I'm allowed, right? Maybe? Guess not, ah well.

Yet another happy joy situation. John is coming home for a couple of days!!!! Yay!!!! I wouldn't be here today if wasn't for him. So, woohoo! I get a John hug soon!

I am basically exhausted. I had a mega huge fight with my Mother yesterday. I have until January 1 to find a place to live. Which I can't really do with my current money situation. Which is why I am looking for a new job more avidly than I was before. I had an interview on Thursday, I think it went fairly well, and I am waiting to hear back from them.

I'm still in my funk of a depression, but I'm working on it. Loneliness, isn't it just the best!!! (sarcastic smile)

Now, on to some fun stuff. My birthday is coming up the beginning of next month, and I'm freaking out a little about turning 26. (sigh) Screw it! We are going to have a lot of fun celebrating, and...Yeah! Maybe we'll actually get Eric drunk for once. Wishful thinking, I know.

Well, back to oh so boring homework.

2003-11-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

This has been a really bad week. I'm not going to bore you with too many stupid details, only a few.

I like my job. I like what I do at my job. I don't like the hostility I get from my boss's daughter.

I have been really sick this week. Oh joy! I have an infection. Woohoo. Can you feel the enthusiasm?

Also, I have royally pissed off a friend, because of stupid reasons, and my fear of confrontation. Oh well.

I need to move out of this house very soon, before someone dies. We all know who will die first!!! Ha Ha Ha! jk

I'm feeling much better, but the slight depression I am in is kicking me in the ass. I'm tired of crying.

Screw it. If you can't tell, I'm in a bit of a temper right now!

BTW Matrix Revolutions sucks hose water!!!!

2003-11-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am really bad. I need to stop giving in to my urges, and no it's nothing kinky! I had this urge to buy a Gameboy Advance, and I did. I shouldn't have done so. Now, I have no money. ah well. I'm a comulsive shopper, we all know this. I'm just ecstatic that I get to play Zelda 3 again.
See, I told you I am boring and pathetic.
Oh, and this is for Eric, the band Miggs, really sucks. They are very very bad. Just though I'd throw that out there.
I should be doing homework right now, that, or sleeping which I need very badly, but no. I'm typing this instead. Procrastination!!! Isn't it fun?
I think I'm done rambling about nothing now.

2003-11-01T15:26:00.000-08:00

I am a lemming! The cliff is before me, and all the others have already gone over. I am pathetic. So, I am not all that interesting, and I don't feel I should really be doing this, because of the fact that I'm more boring than watching grass grow. Ah well. Welcome to my demented point of view!!!